It seems to get worse and worse everyday..
idk what to do, i still have hopes for saturday to go well..
but..for how long could i hold on to this hope for saturday to go well..

i guess i will get my answer saturday, but that's what scares me the most..
if anything does happen saturday and she acts like she doesn't want to be there..
then that's it..i failed. end of story. She'll be gone from my life.

If that does happen, then i will be incredibly incredibly sad to see you like that.
I won't be anywhere near you jackie if the relationship between us is really dead.
Thinking about this scenerio is making me extrememly sad because this is a
possibility that can happen..
It's a 50/50 shot. if she turns me down, i...i...i will be gone, destroyed, vanished.

..By the way it seems, it looks like you're already doing great without me and im not in your mind anymore, and your happy that im not there. I see by your tweets and fb you're really eager to meet someone new already...
...if nothing changes on saturday, i will guarentee to you, that i will not be here for me to see for you anymore. It breaks my heart really bad to say that. you have no idea. I see you wanna experience other people to get answers, but i still believe anybody can go on through life without that. I only wanna go on through life with you jackie, nobody else. I know their is something strong between us still, and i haven't matured for us. I was a needy bitch to you, and im sorry about that. I learned my lesson. I was always with you and wanted to always talk/hang out with you. But with real relationships, you really have to give them their space, and not be needy for love/ affection all the time. I see you're not the type of girl to want to be "wowed" or get any gifts that require money. Im a fool to not learn by now. It broke my heart seeing that you tried to get ben again. I hate that you loved him more than you loved me. maybe it is my fault, maybe it's not. im not sure. But that told me, i wasn't worth much to you for you to care..

..But i do believe any man, no matter how he looks, can get a women to fall in love with him, and can get a that special girl to choose him over the hot guy any day. That's me. I know i we're something special. I know i ruined the relationship for us. But you've been in love with me before, and i know for sure this time, no matter what, we can be in love with each other for ∞, till the end and forever more, just like noah and ally. We're noah and ally, we're always gonna be with each other and will never let go, because deep down i know the true happiness, the happiness we hope for, to keep the sadness and lonelyness away, lies with us..together.

I want to have a real relationship with you without any of the bullshit i gave you. You matured in this relationship and i failed to mature with you. but that's alright because im glad the fact that i realized that, already gives me a greater hope for us to be happy together forever.

I realize we can't talk every night. We both also need to concentrate on school the most. But i also know me and you can't get through school alone (well we can but, we will get through it with sadness), if we both understand this, then we can make it through anything together. Also, it's good for us to spend time together, but not all the time, because that will ruin the affection between us, i understand. I think that's a good thing because before i used to give up everything for you, even my family time, and i know that was bad. I want to spend time with my family and you. I want to forever be with you, im eager and really want to see the day that me and you finally create a family together. The good feeling that i will get that day, not only will be having a family, but that im having this family with you...you and no one else. That will give me the happiest feeling that day, i can guarentee you.

This is all i know..have learned..and want. I want to see you saturday, and hopefully make amends with you for us to give this one last shot. i know you still love me somewhere in your heart, and you're very confused, but i promise you, and i strongly believe in myself.. that i could be the boy that you will fall in love with everyday and will want to spend the rest of your life with. I love you jackie..please contact me or make my expectations for saturday come true, and i will give you whatever you want and more. This includes a true and warm happiness that will never fade away, no matter what storms pass by. 02/04/10 forever in my heart.