i just finished talking to jackie on the phone. I really missed doing that a lot, but it just makes everything more sadder bc your leaving soon, i can't believe it :'(. I can't help the fact that im not perfect. why can't i just be like everybody else and not give a shit about everybody, be emotionless. im not perfect, i hate myself. i fucking hate crying. i just don't know why my feeling for you are so strong, like why do i love you so much, when you don't. or you do but only sometimes. I don't understand. Why do i even have feelings at all, they are just used to hurt me. I don't know what im going to do anymore, like after today, i just don't know..I wish i was the guy that you loved. His the luckiest guy in the world. To be able to have someone like you, he must be an idiot not to have you. i wish i looked like him and was like him. ugh its going to be a pain to tell my parents that me and jackie broke up, i wish i didn't have to, i hope they don't fucking panic and think im going to go nuts..

I hope my life ends soon. nobody really needs me. im just here to keep the empty darkness company. Im just going to try my best to help everybody around me, everybody i can help, and make them happy. I figure why try and try to make me happy and fail all the time, rather than try and try to make somebody else happy. I think im going to spend a lot of time with myself alone, in my backyard looking at the river, just thinking about my life and wondering..am i happy the way i've lived my life? I just hope one of this days my heart takes so many cuts from being sad that ill finally just die. I don't really care where i go, as long as im gone from here. Everyday my heart aches, and the pain is unbearable. I have no friends at school that i actually like. Im just going to sit somewhere alone every morning, where no one will bug me. after school is going to be lonely too. ehhh i just don't know anymore, this is just going to be a sad and lonely year. I think my whole life, all i've asked for was true love, no fling or hook up buddy etc, just real love. But right now or ever, i don't think im ever going to get that. I am so hear broken right now. Everything just hurts me all the time. i hope my heart just stops and i drop alone in my backyard.